she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
