I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
