he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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