there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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