i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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