oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
