im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
