I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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