he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i was born a porn star she said
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
