i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
