i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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