Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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