If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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