I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
