Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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