There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
