i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
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I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.