At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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