When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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