Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
