I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
