i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
