got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
