filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
