The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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