I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
