he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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