Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
