dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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