my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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