So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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