i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
