Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
