I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
