I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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