I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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