1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
