"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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