I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
