I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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