So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
