atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
