my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
