Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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