i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
