Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
