I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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