life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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