Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
