On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
