Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
