I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
