I wannas sexs uuuuu
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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