I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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