and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
