I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
