Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
