You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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