JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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