you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
